DEEVS…
Well at least 10 have been identified. At this point it’s definitely conceivable that 8 other mistresses are in the wings waiting to claim their 15 minutes of fame. Is this what Jolly Old St. Nick meant when he repeatedly exclaimed: HO, HO, HO?
Somehow I don’t think the latest tabloid revelations are Elin or Tiger Woods’ idea of a delightful stocking stuffer, but we’re all glued to this train-wrecking celebtastrophe. On the bright side, this scandal has provided a much needed spike in holiday newsstand sales and online ad revenue for entertainment focused websites.
Likewise, the PGA must be excited about all the newfound interest in their sport.?. (mentally insert sound of crickets – on second thought, maybe not so much). What about the avid golfers who rely on this covert, male dominated sport to discuss and arrange extramarital playtime? Certainly they must be happy that Tiger has cast a questionable light on their true interest in their favorite past time. I think they are probably more upset than the PGA.
No need to stand by the water coolers, all the women are talking (it only takes one to create the domino effect. They all thought they were the only other woman. Mistresses have standards too!)… But what if Tiger started talking? What unknown facts would be exposed about the Average Middle American and Corporate Exec Golfers?
A clueless DEEV became so fascinated with this sport that I googled it to find out how the game is played. The about.com overview was full of double entendres.
In honor of the 10 Identified Mistresses, here are the Top 10 Rules you DEEVS need to know about Golf:
Rule 1: The Game. Yes sweetie, corny men will develop game and cheat on you too. It’s not just the attractive and arrogant men. Fat, out of shape, out of breath, unattractive men have a higher likelihood of cheating because you just wouldn’t expect it.
Rule 2: Stroke Play. Men have a high sex drive. You should ideally make some attempt to stroke it twice a day to lessen the chances of him committing an indiscretion. If you don’t make him feel like a king, someone else will STROKE his EGO.
Rule 3: The Player. Honey there is always one guy in the group coaching your husband on how to step up his PLAYA game and M.A.C. other women on the side, the infamous Wing Man.
Rule 4: Ball Played as It Lies. Self explanatory! Don’t be afraid to pull a drive by at the golf course or show up at one of his out of town golfing excursions. The element of surprise will keep him on his toes. You shouldn’t be surprised if you show up and he’s not there. After all, “playing golf” gives him an alibi for at least 10 hours.
Rule 5: Wrong ball, Substituted Ball. On some of these long, out of town trips, your man may have a few drinks and Sallie Jones with 3 missing teeth and big boobs will offer to do some very naughty things that gets your husband very excited. It’s not all about the beauty sweetie; sometimes it’s about the freak. If you won’t fulfill his fantasies, the substitute will!
Rule 6: Cleaning Ball. If your man comes home after being out longer than expected or he had a period of unexplained absence, don’t let him rush to the bathroom to clean up. Initiate some sexual advances. Another wo(man) will leave a scent on his body that you can pick up on, especially his genitals. This is a definite way to determine if he’s teeing off in someone else’s green!
Rule 7: Abnormal Ground Conditions, Embedded Ball and Wrong Putting Green. DEEVS, if he’s cheating that frequently, it is highly probably that he or you may experience some abnormal symptoms that require a doctor’s visit and medication. Watch out for lumps, rashes, and anything else that may indicate he embedded his balls in some wretched green. I’m holding the FLAGSTICK on this one.
Rule 8: Ball Unplayable. Men don’t turn down sex unless he already climaxed before coming home to you. If he claims to have a medical condition, ask for a doctor’s note. A limp club is a warning sign.
Rule 9: Threesomes and Foursomes. Yes, avid golfers are swingers too.
Rule 10: Teeing Ground. DEEVS, you have to take accountability for keeping your man stimulated and intrigued by you. Kids, weight gain, lack of energy, and low sex drive are no excuse. There is a 20-something, size 2, full C cup, baggage-less waitress, hostess, and partier who would gladly partake in bragging rights and consider it a badge of honor to satisfy your man’s needs. Scores ago, a book was written about this type of woman called The Scarlett Letter A. Today, headlines are written about these women, reputable news interviews are given to these women, and millions of dollars in hush money are provided to these women.
It’s a new day and yes, sometimes a guy will cheat because he just likes the thrill of sex with multiple partners. If this is the case, you really should have conducted more primary and secondary research before entering a serious relationship with him, because intuition should have pointed this type of man out to you.
Now that you’ve been armed with the critical 10 Rules of Golf, not even 1 of 18 HOS should slip by your radar.
xoxo,
Dashon.Don.Diva
What do you see? ARE YOU IN THE PRESENT AND NOW? OR… Do you still see that argument you had at work last week? Do you still see the first time he hit you? Do you still see the first time you had to ask yourself, how am I going to be able to provide for my family?
DEEVS, don’t underestimate the power of living in the now. If you’ve internalized the negative events from the past, you can’t appreciate the reality of today. You’ve got to find the strength from within to BREAK FREE. It’s the last, important, and often ignored part of MAKING IT OVER. Don’t let yesterday control today. Live your life in the present moment.
